


if i can't drown, i'll drift

by catmittens



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Betrayal, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Mentions of Injuries, Mission gone bad, Platonic Relationships, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Scars, Sharing a Bed, allusions to season 1, but I started writing it before Allura was confirmed to be a teen, but they're not feeling too great, don't worry no one dies, i know there's some shallura subtext, keep that in mind, mentions of other paladins - Freeform, scratch that they all need hugs, somebody give Shiro a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-05
Updated: 2017-08-05
Packaged: 2018-12-11 14:25:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11716239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catmittens/pseuds/catmittens
Summary: A rendezvous mission turned sour. Some nasty injuries to tend to. They were fine, though.(That's not quite true.)





	if i can't drown, i'll drift

**Author's Note:**

> I'm glad I finally finished this, because I love writing family-like relationships between these guys. I want to write interactions between Allura and the other paladins as well, so I'll be sure not to take as long with my next piece.

Pidge stumbled out of the healing pod, and she felt fine. Her bones were mended, her cuts were gone, and her head was light.

 

Then the rush of endorphins subsided, and she felt… she didn’t actually know how to feel.

 

Sweeping her eyes over the medical bay, the other pods glowed bright aquamarine. Most of them still held the rest of the paladins, except for Shiro, who must have finished healing earlier. The one that Pidge had just exited sat empty between Hunk and Keith. They were all dressed in the same white bodysuits.

 

How long had they all been out? Considering that the last thing Pidge remembered was being slammed into a wall by an alien that resembled an eight-foot tall praying mantis, the answer would probably range anywhere from a few hours to a few days. Hadn’t that thing almost sliced up her face too? She cautiously felt her cheeks, forehead, and nose, searching for any scars.

 

She grimaced slightly as she detected three long strips of raised tissue stretching from right below her left eye to her chin. Her upper lip had been a part of it as well.

 

If Pidge had been less groggy, she would have done some musing over her new battle scars, but for now she simply wrapped her arms around herself and stared at her feet. Physically, yes, she was okay now, but this was also her first time being injured badly enough to have to be hauled into a pod.

 

It felt _strange_ , and left her feeling like a plastic doll, stiff and hollow.

 

It didn’t take too long before she heard an unmistakable voice ring out into the quiet. “Pidge! Thank goodness!” Coran rushed toward her, grinning from under his even more unmistakable mustache. The sight of him was enough to make Pidge smile despite her current mindset.

 

“Hey,” she greeted him. “Good to be back.” Coran suddenly held his hand out to her, and she realized that he was holding her glasses. The teen hadn’t even noticed she wasn’t wearing them already. She took them gratefully and slid them back on.

“I’m glad at least one more of you is awake,” said Coran. “Shiro woke up yesterday, but the rest of you have been out for almost five days!”

 

Whoa. They were more beat up than Pidge had originally thought. Even so, knowing that Shiro was awake softened the blow quite a bit. The desire to ask how their mission ended up wormed its way into her head, but when she opened her mouth, the words stuck in her throat like sandpaper.

 

Luckily, both Allura and Shiro chose this moment to enter. Allura wore her long blue gown, and despite her unbrushed hair and tired eyes, she looked fine. Shiro, on the other hand, looked closer to how Pidge felt. A fresh scar or two was visible on his face, along with a few stretching out from his collar. His Galra arm wasn’t damaged, but Pidge noticed that he was holding it at a slightly stiffer angle.

 

“Oh, Pidge, your _face_ …” Allura sighed. She smiled gently, full of sympathy. “Are you alright now?”

 

Pidge didn’t answer right away. It was something she kind of had to think about for a second. “Considering that I almost lost an eye or two, I guess I’m feeling kind of lucky to not be dead,” she decides. Yes, great. Nonchalance is great. “How are you guys?”

 

Now it was Shiro’s turn to say something. “We’re fine too.” His smile didn’t quite reach his eyes, but it looked genuine at the very least. “Well, we’re empty-handed, but we’re fine.”

 

 _Empty-handed_.

 

Pidge could feel her insides churning in anger. “So those creeps still have those coordinates they promised us!” Oh, god, talk about a waste of a trip. Three whole star systems they travelled to answer a signal put out by a planet that had apparently been an ally to Altea in the past. _Our savior, Voltron!_ they said. _We bring aid in this time of peril!_ they said. There had been something about coordinates for multiple Galra bases.

 

Ten thousand years certainly gives you time to learn how to be a double agent.

 

Shiro moved closer to lay his hand on the girl’s shoulder. “They were most likely fake, anyway. It’s okay, Pidge. They tried to kill us, and we got away. That’s what matters right now.”

 

“It really is unfortunate that the Reekkians ultimately sided with Zarkon,” Coran mused while stroking his moustache. “I suppose I’m not surprised, though. On their own for all these years, they must have had an extremely difficult time. In the end, they must have felt that there was no other way to survive.” His voice held the kind of tired sympathy of someone who has spent a long time seeing identical versions of this situation. He looked at Allura, his expression unreadable.

 

The princess’s mouth was a hard line as she looked back at Coran, and her eyebrows trembled slightly, but did not crumple in defeat. She kept her face stonily neutral and didn’t say anything. “It doesn’t matter anymore,” was all she did say after a time.

 

Meanwhile, the multi-faceted globes that were the mantis-like aliens’ eyes still glittered in Pidge’s mind, and imprinted themselves on the insides of her eyelids. _Pretty_ , she had thought, somewhat nonsensically, when they had first greeted their ruler, a being whose eyes and body shifted colors like a kaleidoscope.

 

Fast forward to now. Pidge willed herself not to blink.

 

* * *

 

The kitchen was a much more comfortable area than the medical bay, and Pidge’s empty-feeling stomach agreed with her. Coran set a bowl of the usual food goo on the table despite her mild protesting (Truth be told, the stuff didn’t taste terrible despite the weird texture, but it honestly didn’t have much of a flavor at all. It was just something you ate to keep yourself going).

 

“I think there’s leftovers from the last time Hunk made dinner. Can’t I just eat that?” she asked pitiably.

 

Coran refused and explained cheerfully that this batch of goo was more “nutritionally fortified” than usual. “Great for growing bodies like yours!”

 

“Hmmm…”

 

Sitting to Pidge’s right, Allura pushed a spoon into her hand and closed her fingers around it with her long brown ones. “Eat as much as you can, please,” she said, playing the part of the cool-headed princess. Pidge gave up trying to argue and dug the spoon into the green glop. At least it didn’t require much chewing.

 

A few bites in, she asked, “So, uh, how’s Shiro doing? He was holding his arm weird.” The black paladin had left them to go to his lion’s hangar before they had all went to the kitchen, giving the excuse that he wanted to check on some things.

 

The answer came from Coran. “Shiro’s Galra arm was doing quite badly at first. It looked like it was almost pulled right off at the nerve endings after that big scrape-up!” Pidge winced. Allura noticed and glanced pointedly at her advisor, urging him to get to the point. He quickly obliged. “Oh! But now that he’s out of the healing pod, his arm should be in tip-top shape very soon!”

 

“How are the others? I know they’re still in the pods, but they’ll be okay, right?”

 

“Of course, Pidge,” said Allura. “They need a little more time, but they’ll be alright.” The princess set her hand down on the younger girl’s forearm and smiled, grave but sincere.

 

Coran smiled as well. “That must have been frightening for you all,” he said. “But we’re all in one piece, and we plan to stay that way, right?”

 

Pidge worked to inject more confidence than she felt into her voice when she replied, “Obviously.” After that, she concentrated on eating. All three of them fell into a relaxed silence.

 

When the goo was all gone, Pidge stood up from the table. “Thanks, you two. I think I’m gonna run through some stuff on my laptop. Just to make sure those guys didn’t plant anything in it.”

 

“Good idea. Although when we got you out of there, it didn’t look like they noticed it at all,” said Coran. Pidge thanked him for telling her and went to her room where it waited for her.

 

After Pidge left, Allura stood up as well. She wasn’t injured, but a dimness lingered in her eyes. The young woman yawned, covering her wide-open mouth with her hand.

 

“Princess, why don’t you go get some rest? If any of the boys wake up, I’ll take care of them,” was Coran’s suggestion.

 

In return, Allura just gave him a sleepy half-smile. “I’ll stay awake for a bit longer. I know those two are going to be up for a while. I’ll force them into their beds if I have to.” After this, there was a moment where the princess looked like she didn’t know what to do or where to go. She stayed in her spot, looking at the walls.

 

Coran discreetly cleared his throat, and Allura turned to him again. Her advisor could easily see the strain of hiding her anxiety and exhaustion behind a neutral mask. Taking a breath, he told her “What happened wasn’t your fault. It won’t be the last time something like this happens. We just have to become stronger, more aware.”

 

It was all he could think to say. It wasn’t enough, but it was the truth, so Allura accepted it. “Yes,” she said. And then, “I’ll go to the Bridge for now, I think. I saw the mice run off there.”

 

Coran nodded and watched Allura leave. Now alone, he sank into the chair she had previously occupied. He raised his face to the ceiling and closed his eyes, leaning back. “Poor things,” he muttered to no one.

 

* * *

 

As usual, the mice were playful and chipper, something Allura was grateful for. She provided some snacks for them that she had pocketed before and watched them nibble the food with glee. They nosed her hands for more, but she simply laughed and told them that was all.

 

Never disappointed for long, the little creatures started playing a kind of chasing game with each other. The princess was content to watch them, smiling fondly from where she sat.

 

In another part of the castle, one of the hallways to be exact, Pidge sat, finishing up some updates she had been making on her computer. It was something she had been planning to do before they had gone to Reekkia for their supposed rendezvous. Now that everything was said and done, well, no time like the present.

 

The screen chirped once and displayed ‘UPDATES COMPLETE’ in blocky letters. Out of habit, the girl patted the device lightly and closed the top. Without its glow, almost person-like in the way it was so _present_ , Pidge suddenly felt an uncomfortable pang of loneliness.

 

She reached up to scratch an itchy spot on her cheek, but immediately stopped when she realized the spot was actually part of one of her new scars. Grimacing, she got up. Alright, time to check a mirror.

 

In the bathroom attached to her sleeping quarters, Pidge flipped on the light and took four decisive steps to the wide oblong mirror. She whispered to herself, “Just get it over with, like ripping off a band-aid.” Squaring her shoulders, she peered at her reflection…

 

And yes, those were definitely scars. To be honest, seeing them wasn’t nearly as alarming as she had thought it might be. Thanks to the healing pod, the skin had sealed, leaving the three marks now gracing her face, tender and the unappealing color of raw hamburger. Certainly not attractive, but fascinating in their own way.

 

Reaching up with a tentative index finger, she touched the one that reached her lip. Its rough texture caught slightly on the softer skin of her fingertip. Pidge noticed that she had been unconsciously leaning into her image in the mirror until her forehead was practically pressed against the glass. With a small sigh, she leaned back into a straighter stance.

 

It was time to test something out. Pidge clenched her fists and levelled a sharp glare at her reflection. Despite the lingering hollowness inside of her, she was still able to feel a sparking thrill at how _fierce_ her face was when she glared now.

 

“It’s something.”

 

She went back to the hall. There was bound to be something else she could do with her computer.

 

* * *

 

Farther away, the black lion stood dormant in its hangar. Shiro was secluding himself inside the cockpit, trusting that Black would continue to rest. _I’m not up for any surprises this time, buddy_ , he had thought. Apparently, Black could tell, and respected the paladin’s wishes.

 

Shiro wanted to be alone for a while. Not because he was annoyed by the presence of the others, but because over the past few days, his mind had screamed for a chance to simply shut down and go completely blank. From the moment he exited his own pod, Allura was constantly beside him, assuring him that Pidge, Keith, Lance, and Hunk would be out soon, and that it was good that he had been the first one to emerge so they could start making plans in the aftermath of the Reekkians’ betrayal.

 

It was clear that what he was doing now was what Allura had been actively preventing by engaging with him as much as possible. A soldier who continues to succumb to a poor mental state is of no use, so the best strategy is to keep going. It made sense. He thought it did, at least. Dammit, he still didn’t know enough about his own issues.

 

Guilt was also swirling around inside of Shiro’s head. He felt guilty for enabling himself like this, and for not being there for Pidge, who could have been killed, and meaninglessly so. They all could have died had Coran not literally burst in with the ship. The sound of the crumbling fortress continued to resonate in his eardrums, reaching down to his solar plexus until he was shaking with phantom vibrations.

 

Shiro doubted that Pidge knew about the nearly fatal stomach wound that Lance had sustained or the way that Hunk’s leg had been viciously dislocated. Once they woke up, she probably would, but that couldn’t be helped. Shiro himself had felt sick seeing the states of their bodies as Coran prepared them for the healing pods. Allura had knelt beside him as he slumped against the wall, fading in and out of consciousness.

 

 _“Shiro, I know they look bad, but they_ will _survive. Trust me!”_

_Allura’s eyes were bright, begging him to have faith._

_He wanted to trust her. He_ did _trust her. But he was so tired. An astringent smell intensified his nausea. As the princess pulled him up as gently as she could, he tried to say “I’m sorry I didn’t protect them better.” The pain prevented him from saying anything at all, so he just groaned._

_The last thing he remembered before he passed out was Allura giving him the same smile as when she had tossed him away from the horde of Galra soldiers closing in on them. The smile that told him “It will be alright.”_

Fast forward to two days later, and it seemed that yes, it would be alright. It was just a shame that the pods couldn’t heal brains as well as bodies.

 

These memories would never stay with him the way that being a gladiator did. To forget that, to be _free_ of that, he would gladly go through anything else as a paladin. Except maybe losing more limbs.

 

Sitting there perfectly enclosed inside Black’s cockpit, Shiro let himself imagine that he was somewhere else in the galaxy. Right now he wanted to be underwater, cut off from his memories and responsibilities, able to sleep there in the dark depths.

 

_Am I freaking out? Having an attack?_

He barely heard his own thoughts as the water rushed in, slowly rising until he was chest deep. What would happen if it closed over his head? Would he just continue sleeping? It made him curious. He let it come up to his chin and didn’t open his eyes.

 

 _You_ are _freaking out._

_It’s fine. I won’t die._

_It’ll keep happening, though. And you don’t know if you’ll come out okay every time._

_I’m tired._

_No one can sleep underwater. You’ll only drown. Wake up._

When Shiro opened his eyes, the water was gone. He was still inside Black, who was staying quiet.

 

He got out. Then he stretched out on the floor and slept.

 

* * *

 

Even in space, Allura knew that it was incredibly late. The mice had grown tired of playing, so Allura carried them to her room and laid them on one of the fluffed pillows. After that, she wandered around on her own through the castle.

 

Coran had retired even earlier than the mice, telling her that it would be best if they all got some sleep and checked on everyone else in the morning. The young woman had agreed, but was still awake. She was exhausted, but being awake felt productive, no matter how untrue it was.

 

Right now, Allura walked slowly through one of the castle corridors. It was dark, the only real light source the silvery glow of the stars outside the windows. Being able to look at everything like this, when they weren’t in danger or fighting anyone, was deeply relaxing, and she reveled in the quiet.

 

All of the windows lining the corridor were exactly the same, so seeing the dark shape huddled against one of them was a bit alarming. At first, anyway.

 

_Pidge?_

It didn’t take long before Pidge noticed Allura’s shadow cast itself over her, and the girl twisted the upper half of her body to fully face the princess. The lenses of her glasses reflected the pinprick stars, almost obscuring her brown eyes. Allura couldn’t help but smile as she sat across from Pidge on the other side of the window.

 

The two of them didn’t speak for some time, comfortable with just watching the galaxy surrounding them. Occasionally, Pidge glimpsed at Allura and almost melted at how the alien girl glittered in the blue light. It was too embarrassing to say that out loud, but it felt nice to say it in her head.

 

“Pidge…”

 

With a tiny jolt, Pidge turned towards her again. “Yeah?”

 

Allura didn’t say anything at first, her eyes downcast and her lips pursed like she was still thinking of what to say. Then, finally, “Are you scared?”

 

It was a simple question, one that Pidge understood. Exhaling deeply, she relaxed against the window and resumed her stargazing. “Kind of,” she began. “To be honest, I mostly just feel weird. Like… I lost something inside of me.” She risked a glance at Allura. The princess seemed to be leaning into her voice, her expression somber. She nodded, urging the other girl to continue.

 

“I’m not dumb,” Pidge blurted. “I figure that feeling like that is normal for- for being a paladin and all that. I’m not all that okay right now. I think I just need to get back into the swing of things.” As she spoke, she had pressed her forehead against the cool glass, fixing her gaze on the black and silver of space.

 

Allura, however, did not look away from Pidge. “I’m sorry you’re hurting,” she said softly. The words lingered in the air between them. Neither said anything else for a while.

 

“Allura?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“I’m tired. Can I sleep in your bed?”

 

A chuckle. “That’s fine. But first I want to see if Shiro is still with the black lion.”

 

The two girls rose to their feet on stiff legs, and left the corridor. “Do you really think he’s still there?” Pidge asked.

 

“That’s what I’m afraid of.”

 

Seeing Allura’s pensive face, Pidge wanted to say something to try and comfort her. “If he _is_ holing himself up, we’ll just drag him out. Have a sleepover or something. Everyone else will be sad that they missed it.” Her grin wasn’t quite at 100% power yet, but it was genuinely playful, and Allura couldn’t help but reply with one of her own.

 

It was a bit of a walk to the hangar, so the two girls lapsed into a comfortable silence. Pidge was noticeably yawning by the time they got there. What they saw didn’t surprise them.

 

Right next to the foot of the black lion, Shiro was splayed out on the floor on his back. Despite the hard surface, he seemed to be sleeping deeply, his chest moving up and down and his eyes shut tight.

 

“He didn’t even make it to his room,” Allura sighed. Then, she walked over and placed her hand on one of Black’s front legs. “Thank you for looking after him. We’ll take over for now.” The barely-there wave of understanding they felt was enough.

 

Pidge crouched beside Shiro and began shaking his shoulder. “Hey, Shiro,” she called. No reaction. She tried again, a little louder this time, shaking him some more. It took a few more tries, but suddenly, a muffled groan came from the young man’s mouth. His eyes opened slowly, but opened all the same.

 

“Pidge…? Allura…?”

 

Without waiting for him to sit up, the girls pulled him to his feet themselves. With an arm around each of their shoulders, they walked him out. “Huh…?” Shiro muttered, still half-asleep.

 

“It’s time to go to bed, Shiro,” was what Allura told him.

 

* * *

 

Shiro’s eyelids may as well have been two-ton weights as he tried to open them. He knew he had done it not too long ago. He also remembered Pidge and Allura getting him off the floor, but had he just dreamed that? Was he still there with Black sitting above him?

 

No. He didn’t think he had been dreaming. There was something soft beneath him instead of the hard ground. Wiggling his toes, he realized his shoes were off as well. Where was he now? Perhaps his room. A large part of him wished to fall back asleep, but already he could tell that he was gradually floating up towards consciousness.

 

Like magic, the weights were lifted from Shiro’s eyes, and he opened them with far more ease. The lights were clearly off, and the entire room was awash in a uniform shade of dark blue. Taking a quick look around, he realized that this was far too big a space to be his own room.

 

In the phosphorescent glow of the wall attachments, the young man saw where he was. _Is this Allura’s room?_ He was sure it was. _Is this her bed? It’s big for one person_. With his mind still foggy with sleep, it was simple to process these thoughts without any overt surprise or discomfort. All he knew was that the mattress he was on was soft, and the blankets covering him were luxuriously heavy and warm.

 

The thing that brought Shiro into sharper focus was glancing down beside him and seeing Pidge and Allura slumbering on their own side of the bed, the mice in a furry pile above their heads. It certainly wasn’t something he expected to see, and he felt his eyes widen just a tad.

 

Pidge slept with her back to Shiro in a fetal position, burrowing deeply under the covers. Allura faced the younger girl, her body in a looser position and breathing very softly. Being able to look at them like this was unfamiliar and almost funny. Pidge’s brown hair poofed out from her head, the only part of her that wasn’t completely obscured by blankets, and Allura, with her long eyelashes and pink-and-blue nightgown, looked even younger than she normally did. It was all making Shiro smile for the first time in days.

 

Sitting up fully now, Shiro rested his elbows on his bent knees. He felt stupid for worrying them by being so strange. That was the first time he had ever done something like that. He normally didn’t even let himself fall asleep on the floor at all. The feeling of _going under_ had just overwhelmed him, and being inside of Black made it worse. Even so, he couldn’t bring himself to leave.

 

Shiro smiled to himself again. He was glad to be on a team that looked out for him like this, even if, as the oldest, he should be the one looking out for them.

 

When Keith, Lance, and Hunk woke up, he would do a better job.

 

Being careful to make as little noise as possible, Shiro crawled out of the huge bed. He tiptoed to the door after grabbing his shoes, and then turned to look at Pidge and Allura one more time before he left. They were still asleep, undoubtedly exhausted from staying up for so long, Pidge’s “hibernation” notwithstanding. He felt a strong surge of tenderness for the two of them, cherishing the feeling. During daylight hours there was usually no time for those emotions and what they meant.

 

Tomorrow he would figure out a subtle way to thank them for taking care of him. Or if not tomorrow, then soon.

 

He opened the door, and went out into the hallway.

 


End file.
